"Choices" of a Working Mother

Is the Poor Economy Taking Away our Right to Choose Work or Full-time Motherhood?

By Patty O’Connor Lauritzen

One day, it happened. I realized that I had “made it.” Wife, mother, career woman.

That’s cool, I thought. Good for me! Snaps for Mommy!

And then, it started to sink in.

I live in a community of career women where the dads organize daddy play-dates. They pack one kid in a carrier and one kid up on the shoulders and they head out on grand adventures.

Initially, the photos I took of them as I headed off to work were novel and fun -- all the daddies with their flexible work schedules off for a hike with the babies and toddlers. My husband texts me pictures of them all having a good time.

And I look at those pictures while sitting in meetings or at my desk in an office building an hour away.

What happened?

Super mom, doesn’t feel so super anymore.

I tell myself, “I get a few hours in the mornings and evenings. If I count their naps at daycare, I have almost the equivalent amount of waking hours with them.” That’s 50/50. Well, maybe 40/60.

Besides, they get to play with their friends all day. Make crafts, swing on swings, read books. They like pre-school.

But, they also like being with mommy, too. And I like being with them.  And some days I miss them and some days they miss me. And it’s really, really hard.

Wasn’t I entitled to have it all? After all, I’m their mother.

But, "entitled" is a heavy word in today's spirit of co-parenting marriages. 

Is this what working fathers have been feeling all these decades?

Why didn’t they get mad about it? Or did they? Or was it called cocktail hour?

I work because I wanted to have a career, make a contribution, and be financially independent.

But, the primary reason I work is economic. I suspect a lot of mothers do or we’d all be soaking up the sun on the shores of Hawaii, watching our kids frolicking in the waves. 

Or, rather we would be home minding the budget, searching Groupon for discount deals and BigOven for leftover-friendly soup recipes.

Much of what I read in the media today focuses on the choice working moms have to rise through the ranks of their career or stay home to raise their children (or their adoptive children, their step-children, their foster children, or their boyfriend’s children).

But, here’s my question:

How come, in decades past, families could afford to be supported by one income, and today, both parents must work just to get by?

It’s a bit of a generalization. But, it applies to a lot of us.

Women fought for the right to have a career and won. Bravo for that.

But, what happened to our economy since the 60’s and 70’s?

Did somebody say, “Go ahead, give up your most important job as moms. I’ll be sure to use inflation against you. And then you really won’t have the choice to stay at home and be a full-time mom because you will need to work for money.”

And you’ll spend a lot of that money on daycare.

When I watched the PBS documentary, Makers: Women Who Make America, I was stunned by a 60’s era conservative perspective that a women’s most important job is to stay home and raise her children. I was stunned because I couldn’t believe that some women would not support a woman’s choice to have a career.

And I was stunned that I agreed with them that raising their children was the most important job a mom could do.

But, consider Leymah Gbowee. She is a mother of six and leader of a movement that led to peace in Liberia. She made the world a better place and improved the lives of many children, not just her own. 

Do we really need to qualify what kind of work is more important? I don’t think so.

But, I have to ask. Have the conservatives’ worst fear come true? Has the paramount role of motherhood lost its standing?

I am not a conspiracy theorist, but when I see The Wealth Inequality in America, I have to wonder what went awry and how. 

The Wealth Inequality in America

The income of the top 1% wealthiest Americans has tripled since 1976. That leaves a lot less cash for the rest of us to share. 

How did America’s wealth shift so dramatically from the poor and middle classes to the upper 1% and why does that shift coincide with the women’s movement?

Is this a coincidence? It is as if women going to work split all the men’s salaries in half. Or is it just corporate greed? Inflation? Calling all economists front and center to help me on this one.

Granted, we all have choices. Families can pick up and move to a cheaper town and buy a smaller house or get a more economical car. Then, they can afford to live on one income. Theoretically.

Is that realistic?

And what about the working poor in our own country? Or the single parents? Or the parents of children with disabilities or medical issues? 

As near as I can tell, the working poor don’t have choices at all. They have to work.

Many working poor are simply stuck. An education costs money and takes time, neither of which a working poor family can afford.

Aren't the poor families entitled to a fair shot at the American dream, too? 

So, while I’m acutely aware that I’m fortunate to have my dilemma of being a successful working parent and missing my kids at daycare, I’m also equally torn by the fact that money is not distributed fairly in our country.

Deciding whether to stay home with kids or have a full-time career is not just a women’s issue. It’s a class issue.

I think to myself, I don’t want to be poor. I need to provide for my family.

But, I really cannot begin to fathom what it means to be poor in today’s definition of poor.  The income of today’s working poor isn’t even on the chart of America’s wealth distribution. Their income is too small.

A teacher friend of mine shared with me that an underprivileged local child participating in a home economics lesson was asked to come up with a question about a hypothetical apartment he might like to rent. 

The boy asked if the apartment had running hot water. 

At first, I think, that’s unfathomable. 

And then I realize, I need to open my eyes.

So, I get to share the pain of missing my kids while I’m at work because I’m helping to support my family. I shoulder that burden. My husband misses our kids when he’s at work, too.

Half of working parents with children say it is difficult for them to balance the responsibilities of their job with the responsibilities of their family, according to a recent survey from Pew Research.

But, we are lucky.

There are hungry children in our own communities. Families that need a helping hand, a shoulder to lean on, or just a warm meal to give them a moment to breathe.

One thing I’ve learned in becoming a working mother is personal sacrifice. Sacrifice of my time, energy, pride, sleep. But, I have learned so much more about myself in terms of wherewithal, perseverance, empathy, awareness of others, and how hard it can be to make a mighty dollar.

So, while I lament those lost hours with my children while I’m at work, and probably forever will to some degree, I’ve moved on from that self-centered emotion called guilt.

My children are happy and the time we share together is precious. I make the most of it sharing my passions with them, teaching them about values and independence. They are well-adjusted social creatures who love to laugh. And that, to me, is golden.

But, that’s not the case for the families with kids who are hungry right here in America. 

There are many other less fortunate children to think about. And that's my whole point.

Here in the U.S., 23.5 million children were part of working poor families in 2011. That’s an incredible 37% of American kids growing up poor.

These working moms have more important things on their mind than reading about the “choice” to stay home or be a full-time mom. They are more concerned about things like food.

One in five kids, or 20% of the child population, in 36 states and D.C., lived in food insecure households in 2010, according to FeedingAmerica.org.

The economists that know will probably tell me this won’t change soon.

But, I know that we can help children in need now.

It is imperative that we are talking about these complex and remarkable issues working mothers and working fathers face. Let’s keep talking and change things for the better because there is a real life struggle happening in families all over the country.

But, let’s not forget the reality of those around us. 

There are wonderful daycare children in our own communities who miss their working moms and dads during the day, but who also go to bed hungry at night.

Sources:

PBS

Wealth Inequality in America

Pew Research 

WorkingPoorFamilies.org

FeedingAmerica.org

InfoWars

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